I Hate The Cry It Out Method....

I realize it's been about...oh 48 years since my last post.  I sincerely apologize to those of you who sat waiting for the newest updates.  And while I promise to regale you with lavish stories of life saving, blood, and guts, tonight I have some "mommy" things to get off my chest.

I have recently been doing some soul searching in an attempt to battle some internal demons.  (Saved for a later post, perhaps).  Nothing major.  Just adjusting to being a new (ok, somewhat new) mommy.  Not even negative things.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Everyone tells you how you can never understand a parent's love for their child until you experience it for yourself.  So, when people would tell me it's going to be awesome, I couldn't help but try to prepare myself for the strongest love of my life.  Of course, I wasn't near prepared, but at least I knew it was coming.  When my baby boy was born, it's like my whole world started over again.  I almost can't remember life without him and maybe some people will read this and think, "How sad."  But it isn't.  It's glorious.  Not only to be blessed enough to experience parenthood, but to experience it with an incredible husband?  How lucky can one girl get?

The one thing no one DID tell me was the flip side of all this love.  Everyone told me how much I was going to love, but no one prepared me for the feeling of looking at that tiny baby and seeing how much HE loves ME.  That's almost just as overwhelming, if not more so.  Sure, the first few months aren't very eventful, but now that he's old enough to interact with, there is nothing in this world like when he crawls over to me, pulls on my pant leg, then wraps his arms around me.  The awesomeness cannot be measured.  Those little eyes just sparkle when they see me or my husband.  He knows we are here to protect him and he loves us for that.  And the love is unconditional.  If he's angry because it's nap time, he's smiling and chattering as soon as he wakes up.  All is forgiven...and he's a bit more rested.  :)

I was speaking with my mom this evening and I was telling her how bed time is bittersweet.  Sure, it gives me time to straighten up the house from the day's activities, take a bath, or go to bed myself.  But it's also the end of the day.  No more giggles, no more singing, no more hugs.  Drastic?  Maybe.  Normal?  I'm sure of it.  When I rock him to sleep, I always hesitate to lay him in hs crib.  Sure, he's drifted off to dream land, and is resting for the next day of fun.  But I'm not ready.  It's almost like I'll miss him...even if he is just a room away.  Wait, not almost.  I DO miss him.  And I have to wait another night for the giggles and play time.  And don't think bed time always goes so smoothly.  It's not like we have the perfect routine and every night is peaceful and poetic.  He cries sometimes.  He fights sleep.  Hes 10 months old.  And he doesn't want the day of fun to end either.  But, I'm not a fan of the "Cry It Out" method so I take advantage of that time to rock him, sing to him.  He'll usually laugh and giggle for a little while, touch my face...pull my hair.  And then he finally drifts off to sleep.  I think the bed time routine is just as important for the parents as it is the children.  When my kiddo falls to sleep after a bottle, doesn't need to be rocked, sung to, or cuddled, it's almost harder on me because I didn't get my quiet time with him.  Those are the nights I feel sentimental.  I realize how much I DO miss him, made even harder by the fact that he fell asleep without our "routine."  Tonight was one of those nights.  I adore our bed time routine together and tonight he fell right to sleep.  It makes me sad although I know he's exhausted and needs to sleep. 

How is all of this related?  It just floors me how every aspect of my life is now driven by my love for our son or his for us.  There is nothing I wouldn't do for that kid and it seems like the emotions flood through me at bed time.  Bed time is our special time to be quiet, cuddle, and look at each other knowing each of us is saying, "I had the BEST time with you today!"  But, alas, as hard as it is for me, I know he is tired, and the toys need to be picked up, so I put him in his crib, turn on his night light, and tip toe out of his room.  All the while, part of me is thinking perhaps I'm the one who needs the Cry It Out method...