The phrase "working mother" is redundant. ~Jane Sellman

So, I realized today when a friend asked if I had a blog, that I DO in fact have one....the question is do I keep it up to date?  No.  Should I?  Absolutely.  So here I am trying to get back in the swing of things to share my experiences both on the ambulance and off.  I should probably update you on the goings on of the last year....
The last time I wrote, I honestly didn't have a lot of fun ambulance stories to share and that's because I literally didn't have any.  Being part time at my job allowed me to somewhat make my own schedule as long as I was working my required two shifts per month.  While that flexibility is nice, there was nothing forcing me to get out of the house.  As Cooper got older and I realized that the bills weren't going to pay themselves, I realized I needed to be working more.  Not only for financial health, but for my mental health.  It would drive me nuts to sit inside the house all day while my friends and family led their exciting lives and I repeated the same ol' cycle of laundry, dishes, and diapers.  Rinse and repeat...

So here's where I put my heart on my sleeve.  When I first returned to work after Cooper was born, I enjoyed it.  It was nice to get out, see my friends, feel like I was becoming productive again.  However, as Cooper got older and I was working more, I realized the separation anxiety I'd heard so much about wasn't going to hit him like it did me.  I began to drive myself crazy with the panic of having to leave my son to go to work.  I knew it was the best thing as I needed to make money, but when fear takes over like that, the ability to think rationally goes out the window.  When I WAS home with Cooper, I found myself worried over the smallest things.  Would we have enough formula to make it through the night?  Did someone check to see how many diapers we have?  I need to wash a load of clothes.  Is there gas in the car?  Things like that.  Rationally, if these things weren't in perfect order, the obvious solution is you just get up, go to the store, buy some diapers, and call it good.  But I couldn't see through to that point.  I just worried if we had what we needed to take care of the family.  Even though we did.  And the money WAS there.  I just became so panicked about providing for a small baby that I worried, "What if I can't do it?"  Then it hit me.  I go to work and see other people's bad days.  I see the children who are neglected, who DON'T have the things they need, who DON'T have parents that will run to the store at 11PM for more formula, who DON'T have parents that worry.  I was failing to leave my work at work.  I was bringing home my emotions from seeing these negative environments and had an overwhelming need to overcompensate with my own family.  I know I can't possibly describe the last year in one short entry, but I assure you.  I felt like I was genuinely going crazy.
I don't know if it stems from having a job where people call ME to take care of THEM so I feel the need to do extra to take care of my own family?  Who knows.  We can talk the psychology out of it all day long.  The point is....I've realized that I'm only going to drive myself (and my husband!) crazy if I continue to worry about things that are beyond my control.  I can't control how people do or don't raise their children.  I can only do my part to help those situations improve.  But I CAN focus my energies on my own family and not let my stress level or my family suffer from my almost uncontrollable panicking about the small things.  We're going to run out of diapers, we're going to need milk, we will not have a magically-appearing supply of life's essentials.  And you know what?  It always turns out OK.  Who'd've thought?  :)

Since having my epiphany of "I CAN raise a family and be damn good at it!"  I've been working more, enjoying going to work, Cooper now goes to daycare and he LOVES it!  (which in turn makes me feel better about taking him since he still cries when I drop him off..)  Cody has gotten a new position at work and he has a K9 partner!  I could not be more proud of that man!  He has worked so hard for his personal accomplishments and for the accomplishments of our family.  We bought our first home and it's fantastic!  I'm in Critical Care Paramedic school which ends on Friday.  We have our HUGE test and will find out that day if we pass.  This certification makes me more qualified for critical care transports and somewhat makes me more comparable to an ICU nurse (for lack of a better description).   At any rate, it's probably going to be the hardest medical test I've taken to date and I'm scared s***less about it.  So if you have an extra prayer lying around... :)

I hope all is well with you and I PROMISE to be better at keeping up.  Here's to a great 2012!